No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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