We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
