Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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