I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he was CRYING into my vagina
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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