dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
