Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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