Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It's rum buckets o'clock
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
