I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
