Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
