Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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