He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
