fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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