the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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