you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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