Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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