She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
