i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
