i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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