Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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