well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
