The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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