I met the friendliest cop last night
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
