I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
