my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
