Michael Bay diarrhea
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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