I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
