I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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