He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
