So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
