Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
