Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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