I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
