I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
