I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You are a genius and a whore.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
