i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
