very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
