My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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