I cut my penus on the lid.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
