Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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