Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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