WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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