drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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