Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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