I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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