I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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