tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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