dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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