i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
did i walk over a car last night?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize