I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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