Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
