I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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