If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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