I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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