I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
