70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
