I hate your face
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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