I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
