On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
