Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize