i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
