You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
