what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I cut my penus on the lid.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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