I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
