im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
