remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
